If we go down into ourselves, we find that we possess exactly what we desire. ~ Simone Weil
I am as all mortals are, unable to be patient. ~ Pablo Neruda
Love the silence and eventually the silence will sing for you. ~ Tim Farrington
The day was hot, with sandy wind blowing the grasses. The coastal mountains splayed themselves lavishly in a never-ending panorama of green and smoky grey. It was quiet, empty. But alive with life. The grasshoppers and mosquitoes, gophers, and eagles flying high up. Not many people though. A few old pickups raising dust. I had just navigated a back road, clearing rutted tire tracks, to the most breathtaking lake I have ever seen. Chilco lake in all her glory. The clearest blue glass surface, with craggy, courageous trees and wildflowers growing out of the rocks, and lava cliffs, sculpted by time. My paddling was a prayer to the gods of the water. I was in awe.
After camping the night, I made my way back up the road. It had long been a dream of mine to see the wild horses in the Cariboo Chilcotin. I had already been here a few days and gotten a little bit used to seeing herds of wildies in the distance, and even by the side of the road sometimes. This was a remote place. But it was no less magical this time, my last day here. I saw some movement in the fields and pulled over. I spied a small herd up in the hills, some mares and foals grazing. I pulled my telephoto lens out and started walking slowly towards the herd. I didn’t intend to get too close, just a little bit closer. It felt safe.
A handsome buckskin with flowing mane was wandering up behind the herd and he turned to look at me. He locked eyes on me and stared. I had been seen. Horses communicate with energy and if you have ever been seen by a horse from afar, you will know what I am talking about. It was far enough away that I knew he was just marking me, and curious. I gazed back reverently and lifted my camera to take a picture. It happened so fast. Suddenly, he bolted. He was running straight towards me at full speed. I wasn’t scared, yet. But then, he was so much closer. I turned and ran back to my car. When I reached the safety of my car I looked back. He stopped, and satisfied that I wasn’t a threat, turned back lazily to his herd.
My heart was pounding, but it wasn’t fear necessarily, it was exhilaration. This was an encounter with a wild horse. He may have been curious. He may have been protecting his herd. But I would like to think he was sending me a message. This was a spiritual trip for me (as most things are). It was about freedom, and continuing to find my place in the world. Finding the place where my spiritual self and my practical self can coexist. This has always been a challenge for me.
I feel like this horse charged me with a purpose. (I’m not sure what that is yet). It is a purpose to be my true self in the world. It is not a safe challenge. It is not without danger, but it is rewarding. I am a wild and spiritual and creative person. I take emotional risks, and I have never taken the easy path, it seems. And it’s almost like this experience was charging me to continue on the path I am on, without flinching. Because it was wild and slightly dangerous. Yes. And, it was alive and glorious. And this is how I want to live my life. My wild heart can’t be broken. And life has proven this to me over and over again. Through trauma, grief, abuse, shame, depression, and heart-break, the resilience of my spirit cannot be broken, like so many other women I know, and I am charged to continue this journey, no matter what it looks like to those around me. Because this is who I am in the world.
Onward, dear friends, belly laughing.
so raw and beautiful Leah